What kind of angel would you want to be?
I chose a serious one, but you can be funny, sexy, serious, loving...you name it
Be Creative!
I have struggled with suicidal thoughts from bipolar most of my life, since I was 17. I want to be the angel that knows who needs me, I travel to where they are and whisper positive thoughts, loving phrases and reasons to live. I will always choose to live, mostly because of my faith in God and going to heaven. I keep my thoughts to myself and only a higher power knows what I am really thinking. I want to be the angel that can hear those thoughts from all over. Hoping that there are not too many at one time to have to choose who to help first.
The other day I was reaching out, crying out. I made some generic statements and thus became a joke. I'll always be a better sport than them. I'd rather make fun of myself than to have someone else feel bad or awkward. But the joke isn't funny anymore, not that it ever was and I am stronger than I wish. Just as I wiped a tear away, I deleted the electronic statements.
ReplyDeleteAs I tried to explain to a friend that I was breaking, I was broken, my mind caught and I asked if they had ever seen the film 'Ordinary People'. Not because of the main subject so much but to a couple of scenes which I never relayed. I then wrote that I love Baroque & Barolo.
I run myself ragged in hopes of crashing and not being able to get back up. Again, the joke is on me, both mentally and physically. And yes, I've heard the joke about walking along the street and falling into a hole... I do know the answer. Another story for another day, as I have so many and no one to tell.
Yet, I am not so special to think that I am neither unique nor alone. The only difference is, you have asked and on a whim, I have answered your call in a white box. Generic as it may be, I am still breaking and broken all at once. I don't fit in the space provided. It's all too easy for me to fit in everywhere and belong nowhere. Outside, I either feel too much or nothing at all. I'm too much too handle or not enough. Never a happy medium for me. And the pieces that aren't broken, I will break, blacken, and blue. As I have broken my spirit, my soul, my body, my sex... Wantonly, enthusiastically, sadly and yet I still know how to smile. I have committed suicidal acts more times than I can count on both hands. Some planned, some not so planned, the pain is both coincidental and incidental. A childhood dream that always come true.
Ah, Dear Angel that wants to help, I am as always, late to and for the question of the day.
Good evening
-_-